Because many wonderful things have happened in my life besides that last post, and I didn't want to leave with a sad note, I thought I would write a second blog today and list some of the reasons my life is awesome.

1. I got a new key chain.

Yesterday at the end of the day, one of my veterans came into my office with a tote bag. He offered it up and inside was a green key chain and a little painted canvas. He wrote me a letter to say thanks "for talking to him." This guy was one of my "special" vets, who for one reason or another I felt especially attached to. I suppose part of it was that I know so assuredly that he is going to be okay, and that it's due to his own struggle to be a good man. He also has been going through a very difficult medical treatment that nearly killed him, and often times was barely able to get out of bed. Yet he would come in to work as often as possible, sometimes having to leave in the middle of the day and go to the hospital to recieve blood, he was so bad off. He would come into my office and I'd ask him about his meds, how he was doing, that sort of thing. I told him about my Dad and how he recovered from a very difficult treatment as well. I think we helped each other out. Anyways, I did my best not to get teary eyed with the gift. The end of his letter said, "I hope that someday, someone can do for you what you did for me." It meant a lot.

2. I made a new friend.

And she's awesome! This girl is making my last month here such a grand finale, and I'm having a harder time leaving as a result. It's nice to have a gal pal to talk to who I feel genuinely comfortable with.

3. I am making a positive lifestyle change...

...that has led to the loss of eight pounds!!

4. We are officially gaining sunlight in Alaska!

5. It's always sunny in Los Angeles!

6. I have AJ for one more month of love, love, love.

7. In one more month I can see my parents and bro again.

8. I own ice skates.

9. Tomorrow night is the board game/knee hockey tournament.

10. Tutto è veramente bello!

A Damn Shame

I wrote this note yesterday when I was at work. Every time one of my guys or girls relapses it does hurt a bit. So I write something down about it and then I let it go. Here's one from yesterday.

Today should have been one of the worst days of Mr. Veteran’s life. He had been discovered drinking the day before he was supposed to leave for his daughter’s wedding.

For a moment when I walked in to the room to get my morning coffee I felt that perhaps this would be a day of reckoning for him. His eyes were bloodshot and teary, and he expressed worry about what would happen next. A month before I had taken him, myself, to a homeless shelter to sit and listen to a reading of names of those who were living on the streets, who had died in the past year. He was obviously uncomfortable. He had never been on the streets, but said to me that he’d used up the last of his resources. If he failed this time he would end up here with the drunks who came up to me, one moment in tears, the next in a jovial mood to tell me how many fights they’d been in. He also told me that if he were ever on the streets, he would surely die. He would surely end it, himself.

Later on when he seemed fine, and got permission from his poor daughter whose wedding he will surely ruin to come visit anyways, I realized that this, his seventh relapse, would be erased from his consciousness like all the other important moments when he should have learned some kind of lesson from his pain. He’s going to depend on his daughter to house him and she won’t have the strength to say no, or otherwise he’ll be on the streets.

This week is a record breaking cold week in Anchorage. For the past seven days it hasn’t reached above zero temperatures.

That last entry came right before the onset of the flu. I was out of commission for awhile, and I guess I lost my momentum with the blog writing. But I have no excuse now-- I'm feeling better, the holidays have passed, and I am in Anchorage, spending my last few weeks of work tying up loose ends and applying for jobs online. In 2009, I will either begin to work as a Regional Recruiter for the Peace Corps, a Park Ranger in the Santa Monica Mountains, or perhaps a Special Events Assistant for the Museum of Latin American Art in Long Beach. Of course there is also the possibility that I will be unemployed for awhile and end up working at a Sizzler and living at my Mom's house. But for now I have high hopes that I will be hired on someplace where I can feel proud of myself.



Flying home for the break was a surreal experience. My flight left around 2:30 am. I popped two Tylenol PM after having a beer or two and tried without success to keep my eyes open until the plane took off. I woke up once when the stewardess was offering drinks and ordered a cup of tea. The woman in the seat next to me offered to pay for it since I was struggling to find my wallet. Later on I would repay her with a consecrated stick of gum. I fell asleep again and awoke when I reached my stop-over in Las Vegas. Out the window, the hills in the surrounding desert looked like topographical maps-- layers of dirt formed circular mounds with flat tops, piled one on top of the other. THe plane landed and the sun filtered in through the window. I closed my eyes and the light made the backs of my eyelids red. At that moment I remembered what it was like to soak up warmth from the sun, and also how much I missed it's bright existence in my life. I thought to myself, "this is the feeling of pure love."



It was an appropriate beginning to the week I spent with my family and catching up with friends. Returning home is like returning to myself again. I will be going back to los angeles very soon once my term here is up, and feel equal parts excitement to be with my parents and brother in los angeles's warm embrace, and reluctance to leave the person I love here in Anchorage, the first job that ever meant more to me than myself, the vets, the high peaks of white mountains and massive chunks of ice floating in a black ocean. Dramatic, eh?



And just for fun, look at this weird dog...

It's been a few days since I've written... the past week has been hectic, and fun. My time at work is winding down to an end, and when I leave our peer support tech will be taking over my day to day duties, so I'm spending a little bit of time training, still teaching my class, working on a marketing report, applying for jobs back home, and having some fun. Tuesday night we had our annual Thanksgiving dinner at work, when all of the current and former program participants come for a catered prime rib dinner. After eating we all played bingo for prizes like crock pots, fishing poles, gift certificates, DVDs, and more goodies. I can't take home prizes because I'm not a program graduate, but I still play. The glory of winning is enough for me.

Wednesday night I got free tickets to The Nutcracker ballet from my boss. The only catch was that I had to drive a car full of veterans there, which wasn't bad at all. Who else could say they had 8 dates to the ballet that night? We were in the very back row, but it was a small auditorium, and there were no bad seats. AJ came along and I think we enjoyed being able to dress up and look out over Anchorage from the large windows of the Performing Arts Center, as much as we enjoyed the ballet. We went from sitting in a somewhat bare apartment with a hole in the ceiling to a ballroom overlooking the park in one night.

Thursday I got up at 8:00 am. It would remain dark outside for another hour and a half. I began washing and preparing a 20 pound turkey for my first time. About four hours later, which was two hours too early, the bird was done. But everything turned out great despite the bad timing. I did leave the giblet bag in the turkey when I cooked it, but besides that, it was perfect! Aj made deviled eggs, and the other vistas came with mashed potatoes and gravy, vegetables and desserts, and I ended the night by having a couple drinks at a local bar named after a salmon (humpy's) and falling asleep four hours before everyone else.

Yesterday we were lazy and slept mostly, and spent the last couple hours of light walking to a movie theater where we could sit in the dark. We saw Four Christmases, then walked down to the local bookstore and spent a couple hours just wandering around.

Today I went snowshoeing with some friends up in Eklutna by a lake that has not yet frozen over. Turns out snowshoeing is just like hiking, only more intense. The snowshoes are made from a light metal and attach to my shoes with straps. They are meant to prevent my feet from sinking into the snow when it's five feet or deeper. It's a bit like climbing stairs because you have to lift your feet so high, and pluck them out of the snow when they get stuck. We walked while the snow fell and then stopped at a large tree, grabbed snow off of the branches and ate it. This zero calorie snack is a wonderful treat after a long hike. The best part of the trip were the moments spent in silence. When no one moved, there was no sound. Only slowly falling snowflakes everywhere and a million tall grey trees in all directions in the fog. In the distance the mountains could be seen through the snow. The forest was endless.
I still have one more day to relax! I'll try to upload some pictures tomorrow and will also try to not be as lazy about writing as I have in the past few days.

Loogie sandwich

Today one of the homeless vets lost his job. He works in a food service capacity and threatened to spit in someone's food, yada yada yada, he's waiting around in the hallway.
This young gentleman is a graduate of my job readiness course. While I do not expect to be able to solve a lifetime's worth of mental health issues with one five week group, it is disheartening to see this man so genuinely upset because he doesn't know what he did wrong. After some counseling with a coworker of mine, he was able to see his part in the conflict, but I worry for him. When will he be able to stop himself from acting like this? When will any of them?
I've adopted several rowdy, elderly sons.

It'll be okay. Change happens slowly, especially with this crowd. I have hope for this person, which is why it worries me to see his setbacks over and over again. What can I say? I'm glad I work here, but I'm relieved to be going home in 20 minutes, childless and free.

Finally... some pictures

Here's some pictures! The first three are from Resurrection Pass down in Girdwood, Alaska. The last two are from the coastal trail here in Anchorage, where I took a walk today while there was still some light.

You have earned the new puppy we're bringing with us to the white house.

I miss my old walks down West Cliff with Ms Carrie. Regina Spektor always reminds me of those days! I'm getting ready to leave work and go home then make the trek downtown to a little bar called Darwin's Theory and when I get drunk I get! But I won't get drunk becaue I don't have enough money and because my Mom reads this blog. But I will order a strong drink and eat some stale popcorn and walk home satisfied. I'll try to remember to take a picture or two at the bar and show ya next time. Last time we were there, a drunk elderly gentleman tried to sell us homemade christmas cards for 20 dollars a pack. Unfortunately for him, we had our meager funds set aside for drinking that night. As a friend says, "Vistas. That's French for poor." Anyways, it's a pretty laid back Alaska bar.

... I would continue this blog but my coworker is in my office talking about his internet dating adventures. Must go.

One man's trash is another man's abandoned teenager

Nebraskan parents are abandoning their teenage children in hospitals after the passing of a controversial law, as explained in this article. The law was meant to prevent parents from abandoning their unwanted babies.

You might be asking yourself, "Wait, a law that allows you to abandon your baby, to prevent you from abandoning your baby?" It's confusing but true.

The law is a protective measure that has worked in other states, to protect the lives of babies who would have otherwise been left in garbage bins and other equally depressing places. Many states have a law like this, but usually the law stipulates that the children must be under a year old. This Nebraskan law was expanded to include children up to 17 years old whose parents are unable to provide for their well-being. However, what Nebraskan lawmakers are now finding is that parents who are financially capable of caring for their children are now abandoning them for other reasons, and using this law to get away with it!

What I want to know is, why would any parent give away his or her child if they didn't have to? Surely the child is worth something. Teenagers may only bring in a few thousand dollars, but babies are going for millions of dollars on the black market. And these are white babies! Those things sell like hotcakes! In times of such economic uncertainty, why would any American turn away a lucrative financial opportunity? Not only are they refusing a chance to earn good money, but some Americans are even spending money to drive from nearby states into Nebraska to drop off their leftover kids!

Am I the only one who sees this obvious misstep?

"Write in recollection and amazement for yourself."

Standing at the bus stop outside of work I find myself gathering little piles of snow by scraping the side of my boot against the ice on the ground. When I get it about an inch high I smash it down and compact it back into the ice and begin again. It's 4:30 and the sun is almost gone. The sky is pink and yellow with a winding blue path, receding into the too-huge sky. I welcome thoughts of my old favorite writer, Jack, once again. It was the way he saw the world, and the way he went about exploring it that drew me in.

America, January nineteenth, two thousand and eight.
"...It occurs to me that I am America. I am talking to myself again."

That's not Jack, that's Allen. But they both liked to write about America. Allen started with his conscience. Jack came from the perspective of the land first and the road... and then the people, and he expanded from there. San Francisco was the "end of land sadness." His road west was filled with "verduous fields of prune and juice joy." Everything and everyone different. We've all got different experiences of America. Different ways of waiting for the bus.

The tone of this little piece is already wistful, and I feel like that's the mindset I have, looking around me and only now realizing-- Alaska... America. It's the dwindling nature of my time here, maybe, that's allowing me to appreciate it. Maybe it just took me awhile to see it and not resent it for being other than what I expected. In any case, wistful is the word. I've been crushed by the world's weight in beauty. It's a frustration I am happy to bear, having seen things that strike me with awe, that I had no part in creating and no control over... These things make me feel small, and my only relief is to share the feeling with someone else. I keep thinking of Lewis and Clark and their expedition out West, and what it was like to see all this America for the first time. Well, not Alaska, but you know what I mean. What an adventure this has been.

"We turned at a dozen paces, for love is a duel, and looked up at each other for the last time..."

I always end up writing that poem down (the one in the previous post). It's funny how certain things just stick with you. I didn't write it myself, but it's from a reading jack kerouac did. he's got a lot of good spoken word stuff... hearing his voice and the rhythm he assigns to the lines he wrote, it makes it easier to see and understand what it was he was writing about. and how rhythm plays a part in all of it. anyways. ANYWAYS.

I had a blister on the bottom of my foot from wearing my new sandals, but nothing will stop me from pretending my feet are warm. It's June and to me, that means flip flops are mandatory, despite the fact that I live in Alaska and it's raining. So we walked around all day-- it was Saturday downtown and tourists were filing out of large busses and into sandwich shops. Eventually we made our way down to park strip where the oceans festival was taking place. There were a few rows of booths underneath tents where craft stores had set up makeshift shops and environmental groups waited around for people to buy tshirts. One place was just selling bowls of macaroni and cheese. We wandered around and finally ended up in the beer garden, or really a section of the grass roped off by orange plastic fencing, where people and their dogs could drink locally brewed beer, sit on the grass, and listen to music. About five large rasberry wheat beers later it started to rain and most of my friends had left. AJ and I were at the foot of the stage where Sonvolt was playing. It started to pour but lots of people did not seem to mind, and in fact it sort of added to the whole wonderfulness of the whole thing, dancing around and jumping and spinning and getting all wet and not caring and feeling a little drunk. Some girl, extremely high or drunk or both, flirting with another guy equally gone, slammed her skull into my face while playing the air guitar with vehemence, and my lip began to bleed. I pushed her away and we stayed for awhile, until the band left and then we left too. It had stopped pouring and now the sky was breaking up... the grey was in pieces with strips of bright light slicing through. The sky, I keep saying, looks bigger here, more immense, and closer to the ground. It stretched out over the rest of park strip and I took a picture with AJ under a small tree with bright green leaves.