It's been a few days since I've written... the past week has been hectic, and fun. My time at work is winding down to an end, and when I leave our peer support tech will be taking over my day to day duties, so I'm spending a little bit of time training, still teaching my class, working on a marketing report, applying for jobs back home, and having some fun. Tuesday night we had our annual Thanksgiving dinner at work, when all of the current and former program participants come for a catered prime rib dinner. After eating we all played bingo for prizes like crock pots, fishing poles, gift certificates, DVDs, and more goodies. I can't take home prizes because I'm not a program graduate, but I still play. The glory of winning is enough for me.

Wednesday night I got free tickets to The Nutcracker ballet from my boss. The only catch was that I had to drive a car full of veterans there, which wasn't bad at all. Who else could say they had 8 dates to the ballet that night? We were in the very back row, but it was a small auditorium, and there were no bad seats. AJ came along and I think we enjoyed being able to dress up and look out over Anchorage from the large windows of the Performing Arts Center, as much as we enjoyed the ballet. We went from sitting in a somewhat bare apartment with a hole in the ceiling to a ballroom overlooking the park in one night.

Thursday I got up at 8:00 am. It would remain dark outside for another hour and a half. I began washing and preparing a 20 pound turkey for my first time. About four hours later, which was two hours too early, the bird was done. But everything turned out great despite the bad timing. I did leave the giblet bag in the turkey when I cooked it, but besides that, it was perfect! Aj made deviled eggs, and the other vistas came with mashed potatoes and gravy, vegetables and desserts, and I ended the night by having a couple drinks at a local bar named after a salmon (humpy's) and falling asleep four hours before everyone else.

Yesterday we were lazy and slept mostly, and spent the last couple hours of light walking to a movie theater where we could sit in the dark. We saw Four Christmases, then walked down to the local bookstore and spent a couple hours just wandering around.

Today I went snowshoeing with some friends up in Eklutna by a lake that has not yet frozen over. Turns out snowshoeing is just like hiking, only more intense. The snowshoes are made from a light metal and attach to my shoes with straps. They are meant to prevent my feet from sinking into the snow when it's five feet or deeper. It's a bit like climbing stairs because you have to lift your feet so high, and pluck them out of the snow when they get stuck. We walked while the snow fell and then stopped at a large tree, grabbed snow off of the branches and ate it. This zero calorie snack is a wonderful treat after a long hike. The best part of the trip were the moments spent in silence. When no one moved, there was no sound. Only slowly falling snowflakes everywhere and a million tall grey trees in all directions in the fog. In the distance the mountains could be seen through the snow. The forest was endless.
I still have one more day to relax! I'll try to upload some pictures tomorrow and will also try to not be as lazy about writing as I have in the past few days.

Loogie sandwich

Today one of the homeless vets lost his job. He works in a food service capacity and threatened to spit in someone's food, yada yada yada, he's waiting around in the hallway.
This young gentleman is a graduate of my job readiness course. While I do not expect to be able to solve a lifetime's worth of mental health issues with one five week group, it is disheartening to see this man so genuinely upset because he doesn't know what he did wrong. After some counseling with a coworker of mine, he was able to see his part in the conflict, but I worry for him. When will he be able to stop himself from acting like this? When will any of them?
I've adopted several rowdy, elderly sons.

It'll be okay. Change happens slowly, especially with this crowd. I have hope for this person, which is why it worries me to see his setbacks over and over again. What can I say? I'm glad I work here, but I'm relieved to be going home in 20 minutes, childless and free.

Finally... some pictures

Here's some pictures! The first three are from Resurrection Pass down in Girdwood, Alaska. The last two are from the coastal trail here in Anchorage, where I took a walk today while there was still some light.

You have earned the new puppy we're bringing with us to the white house.

I miss my old walks down West Cliff with Ms Carrie. Regina Spektor always reminds me of those days! I'm getting ready to leave work and go home then make the trek downtown to a little bar called Darwin's Theory and when I get drunk I get! But I won't get drunk becaue I don't have enough money and because my Mom reads this blog. But I will order a strong drink and eat some stale popcorn and walk home satisfied. I'll try to remember to take a picture or two at the bar and show ya next time. Last time we were there, a drunk elderly gentleman tried to sell us homemade christmas cards for 20 dollars a pack. Unfortunately for him, we had our meager funds set aside for drinking that night. As a friend says, "Vistas. That's French for poor." Anyways, it's a pretty laid back Alaska bar.

... I would continue this blog but my coworker is in my office talking about his internet dating adventures. Must go.

One man's trash is another man's abandoned teenager

Nebraskan parents are abandoning their teenage children in hospitals after the passing of a controversial law, as explained in this article. The law was meant to prevent parents from abandoning their unwanted babies.

You might be asking yourself, "Wait, a law that allows you to abandon your baby, to prevent you from abandoning your baby?" It's confusing but true.

The law is a protective measure that has worked in other states, to protect the lives of babies who would have otherwise been left in garbage bins and other equally depressing places. Many states have a law like this, but usually the law stipulates that the children must be under a year old. This Nebraskan law was expanded to include children up to 17 years old whose parents are unable to provide for their well-being. However, what Nebraskan lawmakers are now finding is that parents who are financially capable of caring for their children are now abandoning them for other reasons, and using this law to get away with it!

What I want to know is, why would any parent give away his or her child if they didn't have to? Surely the child is worth something. Teenagers may only bring in a few thousand dollars, but babies are going for millions of dollars on the black market. And these are white babies! Those things sell like hotcakes! In times of such economic uncertainty, why would any American turn away a lucrative financial opportunity? Not only are they refusing a chance to earn good money, but some Americans are even spending money to drive from nearby states into Nebraska to drop off their leftover kids!

Am I the only one who sees this obvious misstep?

"Write in recollection and amazement for yourself."

Standing at the bus stop outside of work I find myself gathering little piles of snow by scraping the side of my boot against the ice on the ground. When I get it about an inch high I smash it down and compact it back into the ice and begin again. It's 4:30 and the sun is almost gone. The sky is pink and yellow with a winding blue path, receding into the too-huge sky. I welcome thoughts of my old favorite writer, Jack, once again. It was the way he saw the world, and the way he went about exploring it that drew me in.

America, January nineteenth, two thousand and eight.
"...It occurs to me that I am America. I am talking to myself again."

That's not Jack, that's Allen. But they both liked to write about America. Allen started with his conscience. Jack came from the perspective of the land first and the road... and then the people, and he expanded from there. San Francisco was the "end of land sadness." His road west was filled with "verduous fields of prune and juice joy." Everything and everyone different. We've all got different experiences of America. Different ways of waiting for the bus.

The tone of this little piece is already wistful, and I feel like that's the mindset I have, looking around me and only now realizing-- Alaska... America. It's the dwindling nature of my time here, maybe, that's allowing me to appreciate it. Maybe it just took me awhile to see it and not resent it for being other than what I expected. In any case, wistful is the word. I've been crushed by the world's weight in beauty. It's a frustration I am happy to bear, having seen things that strike me with awe, that I had no part in creating and no control over... These things make me feel small, and my only relief is to share the feeling with someone else. I keep thinking of Lewis and Clark and their expedition out West, and what it was like to see all this America for the first time. Well, not Alaska, but you know what I mean. What an adventure this has been.

"We turned at a dozen paces, for love is a duel, and looked up at each other for the last time..."

I always end up writing that poem down (the one in the previous post). It's funny how certain things just stick with you. I didn't write it myself, but it's from a reading jack kerouac did. he's got a lot of good spoken word stuff... hearing his voice and the rhythm he assigns to the lines he wrote, it makes it easier to see and understand what it was he was writing about. and how rhythm plays a part in all of it. anyways. ANYWAYS.

I had a blister on the bottom of my foot from wearing my new sandals, but nothing will stop me from pretending my feet are warm. It's June and to me, that means flip flops are mandatory, despite the fact that I live in Alaska and it's raining. So we walked around all day-- it was Saturday downtown and tourists were filing out of large busses and into sandwich shops. Eventually we made our way down to park strip where the oceans festival was taking place. There were a few rows of booths underneath tents where craft stores had set up makeshift shops and environmental groups waited around for people to buy tshirts. One place was just selling bowls of macaroni and cheese. We wandered around and finally ended up in the beer garden, or really a section of the grass roped off by orange plastic fencing, where people and their dogs could drink locally brewed beer, sit on the grass, and listen to music. About five large rasberry wheat beers later it started to rain and most of my friends had left. AJ and I were at the foot of the stage where Sonvolt was playing. It started to pour but lots of people did not seem to mind, and in fact it sort of added to the whole wonderfulness of the whole thing, dancing around and jumping and spinning and getting all wet and not caring and feeling a little drunk. Some girl, extremely high or drunk or both, flirting with another guy equally gone, slammed her skull into my face while playing the air guitar with vehemence, and my lip began to bleed. I pushed her away and we stayed for awhile, until the band left and then we left too. It had stopped pouring and now the sky was breaking up... the grey was in pieces with strips of bright light slicing through. The sky, I keep saying, looks bigger here, more immense, and closer to the ground. It stretched out over the rest of park strip and I took a picture with AJ under a small tree with bright green leaves.

"I was traveling west one time
along the stateline of colorado-- it's arid western one
and the stateline of poor utah
when i saw huge and mast in the clouds
the great image of god
with forefinger pointed straight at me
through halos and rolls and gold folds
that were like the existence of a gleaming spirit
his right hand would sayeth
go though across the ground
go moan for man
go moan
go groan
go groan alone
go roll your bones
alone
go thou and be little beneath my sight
go thou and be my newest seed in the pod
go thou, go thou
die hence.
and may this world report you
well and truly.

Maybe I should write in this thing more often, and not be as concerned about writing something terribly prolific. It's just that when your day to day business no longer consists of wandering in and out of strange countries, you end up writing about what you ate for lunch or some crap like that, and I just want to write something worthwhile.
I could write about work, man I could tell you some stories about these guys, but I don't know if that would be violating people's personal stories. Basically I don't want to get sued. Maybe if I don't include names or tell people where I actually work, I could get away with it. Lawyers in the family have any input?

...I'm not sure that anyone even reads this blog besides Will Fischer.

I'll tell you something I'm thinking about today. A Salinger book that Carrie let me borrow, which I believe I kept, and which is now collecting dust back at my parents' house-- Raise High the Roofbeams, Carpenters and Seymour. (sorry carrie) It was not my favorite of all his books but it had some of my favorite pieces in it. Like little chunks or ideas that I remember when I'm supposed to be working, or when i'm in a meeting. One of these is a letter that Buddy (JD himself) gets from his older brother Seymour (genius who killed himself). Seymour tells Buddy that he saw him write down his profession on a form he was filling out. Buddy wrote "writer," under profession, and Seymour thought it was hilarious, because "writing has never been anything less than your religion," he told his bro. The letter was written in the middle of the night by seymour when he was reviewing his brother's latest story and providing notes on it. he was giving advice and considering his brother's religion, he found the story was not up to Buddy's usual work, and got carried away in the letter. He started getting caught up and even a little cheesy and told his brother...Write with all his stars out!!! Thinking of a black sky full of stars, when you look up and you see all those little lights twinkling at you, something rare to a city girl, something rare for the sky anywhere, like it's showing off, (and don't you know that god is pooh bear?) and I understood exactly what he was talking about. yeah. write with all your stars out. and live that way too.

"You, yourself, as much as anybody else in the universe, deserve your love and affection."

That's today's message from the belly of Alaska. And it's the same one I keep learning over and over again.

There was much to be said about traveling alone. I wouldn't do it any other way if I had it to do over again, and I expect to do more in the future. However, some experiences and beautiful things, while they can be appreciated, mean nothing unless shared. I do share my experiences while I'm away. And not just through this blog, but I always take "home" with me. I could be alone on a mountain top and my Mom will always be a voice right beside me, reminding me not to leave wet towels on wood floors. i'm reminded of what chris mccandles wrote in the margins of one of his books before he died, right here in alaska. it was something to the effect of, "life is meaningless unless shared."


Anyways I remember thinking about how, at least for me, life is all about love. finding it and keeping it. i knew a feeling like that would not last, it was so small and precious, it was bound to slip through my fingers.
And it did, inevitably. But it is a great thing to keep rediscovering that.

http://www.sonymusic.com/clips/selection/fu/MasonJennings/KINK_01_01_full_100.asx